lost loves

I didn't sleep well last night. Well, I did until 3:30 when my little dog decided that she needed to make a middle of the night potty run. I got up to let her out and thought I'd check my email quickly. That's when it turned restless.

A cyber friend on a list I belong to was just starting a miscarriage. She is sad and hurt and angry. Another cyber friend, who also started the process of miscarrying earlier this week, was sharing words of comfort. She also posted a web site about pregnancy loss. There's a place there for families to say a word in memorial about babies they have lost. I read many of their stories last night. One that really struck me was a story from a family who lost a baby in 1974...imagine, still grieving 32 years later. Then again, I thought of the babies D and I have lost in early miscarriage. I'm sure I will still remember them 30 years from now.

The whole idea of pregnancy loss and losing babies too soon gets to me as I guess it does to most mamas who have been there. It's one thing I have just really wrestled with. So many people will say that this is just God's plan, but I don't think so. I don't think that the pain a woman feels in her body and her heart as she loses a baby that cannot or will not grow was ever part of what God had planned for us. I have come to think that maybe that is just part of the ramifications of sin in this imperfect world. Sin as in original sin...as in when Adam and Eve decided to not fully trust God. The curses of disease and pain and imperfection that were not necessarily part of what God intended but has still allowed to come into our lives. That's where pregnancy loss fits into it for me. This pain was not God's plan, but for some reason He didn't choose to heal this baby in utero.

So we grieve and we cry and we don't understand even 32 years later. And there are places like this cyber memorial where we can say a word to the little ones we didn't get to cuddle or nurse or tickle or chase but we still hold a place in our hearts.

So I finally went back to bed and brought Jack with me to nurse and cuddle for the rest of the night. It wasn't the most peaceful night, but I was so thankful to have that little warm body snuggled up to me.